drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
