Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize