I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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