you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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