I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
