You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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