I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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