In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
