You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
