omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
