Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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