Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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