Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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