it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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