I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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