Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
