I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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