im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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