I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
