Just fell off a train. Bad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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