i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
