I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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