Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
