The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
