I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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