i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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