As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
40s are totally the cure
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
