i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
