my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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