my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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