ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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