it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You can't motorboat a personality
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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