You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
