She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
