3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
