Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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