haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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