watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
