You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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