why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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