I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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