so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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