I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
