I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
