just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
