I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
