I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
