he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
