Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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