I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
