I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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