Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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