ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize