Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
try to milk me bitch
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