it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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