If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
