Jerry, you need to find god
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize