new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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