Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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