Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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