I'm so fucking centered right now
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
