My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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