I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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