I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
