He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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