Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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