I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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