I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
