I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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