she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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